I normally like to keep things on the light-hearted side in this column, but today I'm ready to tackle a bigger issue. A huge one, actually. Yes boys and girls, I'm ready to talk about — my body.
After thousands of dollars worth of therapy and overcoming years of denial, I'm finally able to say it: I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY. If you like several hundred pounds of cottage cheese and dimples; if you like your men slightly on the “barge” side of Rubenesque, then I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY. Not only is it beautiful, but it's utilitarian too, and good for the community. Why, just by walking down the street, my thighs can generate enough heat to warm the entire city.
My body is a temple, ladies and gentlemen, a temple years in the making, a temple built for large congregations, baby.
Let's just say that some of my “contents” have definitely “settled” during shipment.
But that's all gonna change girlfriend, because now I've got “Rez-Robics.”
“What the hell is 'Rez-Robics?', you ask, with a quizzical-slash-skeptical look on your face, “some kinda reservation horror flick?”
Only if you're as heavy as I am.
No, friends, “Rez-Robics” is a new low-impact aerobics video that features basic kick-boxing techniques and traditional powwow dance moves. This is perfect for a tub like me, because when I dance traditional, certain parts of me tend to dance “fancy.”
Oh, don't get me wrong, I've tried Jane Fonda and I've tried Richard Simmons. I've tried the Thigh-Master and the Bun-Shaper. I didn't lose any weight.
“Rez-Robics” changed all that. Geared toward Native Americans, but fun for everyone, this entertaining and energizing workout video focuses on improving personal health while moving to the popular Native sounds of Ulali, Brule and Thunderchief.
This is calorie-burnin' fun for the whole family! The brainchild of Pam Belgarde (also Chippewa ... you GO girl!) and Gary Rhine, the video features Native martial artist Reggie Mitchell, actress Elaine Miles (of “Northern Exposure” and “Smoke Signals” fame) and Apache comedian Drew LaCapa, whose onstage antics had 'em rolling in the aisles at the First Americans Awards Ceremony in L.A. a few weeks ago. That guy is 300 pounds worth of hilarity.
So if you “wintered well” and you're looking for an easy, energizing and fun workout routine to help slap the ol' bod into shape for some serious summer snaggin', check out “Rez-Robics.”
And, of course, before beginning any fitness program, please consult your physician first. Or, in my case, a lawyer also, to make sure my will is up to date.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go plug in the video myself, 'cause I feel my contents settling again.
(The video is available through Dreamcatchers, Inc., 23852 Pacific Coast Highway, #766 Malibu, CA. 90265 or see http://www.dreamcatchers.org.)
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.lonewolfgallery.com.
