I see by the old calendar on the wall that Halloween is just a few days away, and you know what that means.
CANDY!
But let me take a moment from my M&Ms, and making my “Kennewick Man” costume, to talk about this wonderful holiday.
Of all the holidays brought to this country by the European, Halloween is definitely one of my favorites, next to Columbus Day, of course. I get to pretend that I'm somebody else, scare the crap out of everyone, and go door to door demanding favors of people. Which is exactly why politicians love this holiday, too. In fact, with all of the spooks, witches, ghouls and goblins gathering on your doorstep these days, it's hard to tell sometimes which are the kids and which are the candidates.
Here's a quick way to tell the difference. The politicians will be a little taller, and they'll have the absolute scariest costumes of all (would YOU want to run into Conrad Burns in a dark alley?). And, they'll want to shake your hand while they're taking your candy.
Unlike a kid, whose mask you can easily see through, the politician won't reveal his true identity until AFTER election day, which is when the “trick” part of the whole trick-or-treat thing rears its ugly head.
“Yeah, whatever,” you say. “But who the heck is Kennewick Man, and why should I vote for him?”
I'm glad you asked.
Kennewick Man is a 9,000-year-old human skeleton that was discovered in Oregon a few years ago, and is perhaps the oldest and most complete set of human remains ever found on the continent, except for Alan Greenspan.
Unlike Greenspan though, “K.M.” has been claimed by five northwest Indian tribes as an ancestor, and they wish to rebury him ceremonially as one of their own. Even the Interior Department, after extensive research of the song “Dem Bones,” has determined that “K.M.” is culturally affiliated to those tribes, and should be returned to them under the Native American Graves and Repatriation Act (NAGPRA) of 1990.
But a group of scientists, who, because of their closeness to God know way more about “Dem Bones” than anyone else, have sued to study “K.M.” to determine whether he might be of a different racial origin. They believe he might not be Native American at all, but actually starship captain Jean-Luc Picard.
A federal judge in Oregon is allowing the suit to continue based on whether the term “Native American” really covers our old friend “K.M.”
Is it just me, or is this not an incredibly stupid waste of taxpayers money?
And who is that judge depending on for the true definition of the term “Native American?”
Government lawyers and anthropologists, of course! Who else? Who knows more about Native Americans than lawyers and anthropologists? All can be known by either robbing taxpayers or robbing graves. Now THAT'S the stuff of a great Halloween story, and a fine example of our tax dollars at work!
You know what? Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm up to speed on my history, this country wasn't “America” 9,000 years ago. Amerigo Vespucci hadn't yet graced us and our land with his name. Nor was it “India,” despite Columbus' best efforts to make it so.
Therefore, Kennewick Man technically isn't Native “American” or “Indian.” Nor did he come here over some bogus “Siberian land bridge,” as anthropologists would have us believe all Indians did. What a crock o' hooey.
Kennewick Man is a native of this land, this soil, as we all are. He should be laid to rest by those who feel a familial connection to him, with honor, as an elder. Not picked apart and examined as a specimen. End of story.
Anyway, I'm dressing up as “K.M” this Halloween, and I deserve your vote because I'm wasting more of your money than my opponent could ever hope to “dig up.”
What could be scarier than that?
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.lonewolfgallery.com.
