“What IS a Mother?”
Stroll through any rack of greeting cards today and you'll see these blatantly stupid offerings for Mother's Day. One after another, they all ask the same lame question, or perhaps, one which sounds remarkably similar:
“WHAT is a Mother?”
“What is A Mother?”
“What is a MOTHER?”
Listen to me now and thank me later — do NOT get your mother one of these cards! I'm warning you!
Especially if your mother is even remotely anything like MY mother. Think about it! Do you honestly think your mother doesn't know what a mother is?
SHE KNOWS!
Bonehead greetings
And if you toss one of these bonehead cards in her lap on Mother's Day, you're only going to be openly admitting to her that YOU don't know what a mother is.
Are you sure you want to do that?
“Oh, my dear, sweet child! After enduring hours of agonizing pain bringing you into this world, the sleepless nights, the 3 a.m. feedings, and the changing of thousands of diapers full of millions of cubic tons of nuclear waste! After enduring your teething time (and lemme tell you, breast-feeding you then was no picnic), your terrible-twos, and your pathetic whining on your first day of school! After hauling your clumsy little butt to endless soccer practices, kissing your widdle bumps and bwoozes, and selling my wares just to afford your braces! After putting up with all your little hoodlum friends, then more sleepless nights, bailing you outta jail and having to bribe the principal just to let you graduate! After having to take out a second mortgage on the house to put you through four — or was it six? — years of college, during which time all YOU did was party my money down the freakin' drain while getting your “liberal arts” degree! And NOW, after all that, having to put up with you living under MY roof again, eating all MY food and using all MY Internet minutes — that is, when you're not out partying with all your hoodlum friends — you give me a card that asks 'What IS a Mother?'”
“Uhhh … ”
“Come 'ere, you ungrateful little nose-miner, I'll SHOW you what a mother is!”
At that point, she grabs a pair of scissors and runs after you.
“Don't run with scissors, Mom!” you scream, in a desperate effort to either distract her, or appeal to her nurturing side.
“Don't you smart-mouth ME you little snot! I brought you into this world, I'll take you OUT!” she snarls, wearing a face that you hope she won't get stuck with.
Well, anyway, I think you get the picture.
Bionic Mom
Now, Indians KNOW what a mother is.
Indians believe that you have four mothers: the Earth is one, your home is another, your grandmother, and then, of course, your mother mother.
I think I actually have about 10 mothers all rolled into one kind of bionic woman.
My mother is amazing.
Despite many tragedies and adversities, my mom managed to raise a bunch of scruffy little nose-miners to be successful, well-adjusted adults (well, with perhaps maybe ONE exception).
She took up art about 30 years ago, enrolling in night classes at a local community college. Now, she teaches art at that college, and is quite well known for her own work in Chicago and throughout northern Illinois.
Always an accomplished dancer, she's been taking flamenco classes for some time now, a talent that helped her a couple years ago when she won the Senior Miss Illinois pageant, at age …
I'm sorry, I can't divulge her age folks, because she's dating a man 15 years younger than herself, and HE believes that she's five years younger than HIM. Which is great, 'cause that makes me somewhere around 30 … again!
Go MOM!
You're a wild-woman!
I love ya!
And mom, you WON'T be getting one of those sappy “What-is-a-mother?” cards from ME.
I already know exactly what you are — completely amazing.
And besides, the last thing I need is all 10 of you chasing me with scissors.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.lonewolfgallery.com.
