With the swearing in of President Bush and the new administration, I'm feeling this wave of nausea, I mean, inspiration come over me.
I'm suddenly inspired to donate blood.
That way, I hope, it'll be used to save someone's life before the blood suckers in Washington can get to it.
Actually, I donate blood quite regularly, because I have a very popular blood type (O positively chocolate), AND because I have a sinister, diabolical plan.
Pint by pint
I plan to repopulate the entire world with Chippewa Indians, one pint at a time. Just think what a wonderful world this would be!
Imagine — if my blood should end up being transfused into some white-supremacist guy's body, he'd be transformed. Through the miracle of DNA, he'd suddenly be part Chippewa! Well, he'd just forget all about that white-supremacy crap, and care only that he got enough walleye and wild rice in his diet.
More Chippewas would mean greater prosperity too, especially for upscale retail outlets such as Kmart, Target and Shopko. And with the way we Chippewas like to eat, think of the boon for fine-dining hangouts, like Taco John's.
Chocolate chip rewards
Anyway, where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, to United Blood Center.
Once there, I'm greeted by the always smiling and friendly “Judy” who directs me, with a smile, toward the interrogation room where “Other Judy” will prep me for draining.
“Other Judy” is a licensed, certified, professional blood-letting specialist — known as a “Flub-Bottomist.” This means, in lay terms, that she cannot flub upwardly in her job. And, as such, she is required to stick me in the finger (to see if I have any blood in the first place), take my pulse, temperature, and ATM PIN number, in case I croak during blood-letting.
She must also ask me a long list of embarrassing questions, which is required by the FDA, the Flub-Bottomists and Drainers Administration.
Other Judy: “Do you weigh at least 110 pounds today?”
Me: “No, I weigh at least 310 pounds today.”
Other Judy: “Were you born in, or have you lived in a foreign country, such as East Africa or the Montana Legislature?”
Me: “No.”
Other Judy: “Have you ever had sex with anyone who was born in or lived in the Montana Legislature?”
Me: “No.”
Other Judy: “Have all your questions regarding blood donation been answered to your satisfaction?”
Me: “Hey, YOU asked all the questions. But, are the chocolate chip cookies homemade?”
Then I am whisked to the blood-letting chamber and seated comfortably, while soothing hippie music from the '60s is piped into the room and a needle the size of an irrigation pipe is shoved unceremoniously into my arm.
I love this ride!
Having done my part for the betterment of society and the Chippewa Tribe, I indulge in a well-deserved chocolate chip cookie or 10, remembering that my next meal is supposed to be a hearty one.
Folks, if you have blood, and you haven't had sex with anyone who was born in or lived in the Montana Legislature, make a visit to United Blood Center. They need you.
As for me, it's off to work for some much needed rest and relaxation. After all, I'm feeling a little drained.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.lonewolfgallery.com.
