God's gift to women, I am NOT. And I can think of a whole BUNCH of women out there who would wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Lucky for me, none of them have a weekly column in this fine newspaper.
I do.
It's all about me, baby. And, even luckier for me, I found a woman who DOES think I'm God's gift, or at least that I'm better than nothing.
So I married her before she had time to change her mind.
What's that?
I think I can hear the anguished cries of women all over Billings, southeastern Montana, two Canadian Provinces and a small town in Scotland, all throwing up their hands and screaming “thank God! Maybe NOW he'll stop calling me at all hours with that pathetic whining about his 'lackanookie.' For Pete's sake, I don't even SPEAK Hawaiian.”
Suitable search
Yes folks, my seemingly endless search for a suitable mate is finally over. Now I can get down to the business of being an old married man, which, my friends are quick to point out, really won't be a heckuva big change from what my search for a suitable mate was like in the first place.
Well, I doubt that, 'cause she's the most suitable mate I could ever ask for. Let me tell you a little bit about my blushing bride.
I'm not supposed to give her full name, on account of the nationwide manhunt in progress and all, but her first name starts with a Janet. What makes her such a suitable mate for me is that she's young and HOT.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's got brains and wit and charm. And she's generous and sensitive and funny and compassionate and spontaneous, and she wants world peace.
And she's young and HOT.
How did we meet, you ask? Who cares?
She's a HOTTIE!
First impressions
Oh, all right. We actually met in the pages of this very newspaper.
No! Not in the “heartbeat personals,” although I've heard there are many hotties to be found there.
No, Janet read one of my columns. One that showcased my shy, sensitive, caring and intellectual nature. You know ... that ONE.
Anyway, as she read, she was taken with my thoughtful intelligence, my passionate delivery and my sensitive, eloquent treatise on the human condition.
Than she saw that photo of me with this column and she thought I was a HOTTIE!
Poor Janet. For all of her obvious charms and attributes, she really needs to get her vision checked.
But, not until after the ink's dried on the marriage certificate.
Originally published Aug. 4, 2001.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.lonewolfgallery.com.
