A few days ago I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. Well, it wasn't actually my first, because I've had other wedding anniversaries. I mean this is my third, first ... well, not that the first two were anything to write home about, and it's not like I can honestly say that this is my first ever but ...
Sheesh!
I've been married a year, mmKAY?
All I'm trying to say is, my wife and I celebrated our first year of wedded blisters together a few days ago.
There.
Matrimonial milestones
Now, all you husbands out there take note, 'cause these are the moments in your married life that will determine the relative amount of peace, and the ease with which you will get that peace, in your relationship. These are the moments to make a grand statement, to send a clear and loving message to your wife, to let her know that she's "all that and a bag o' chips."
"Honey," I said, batting eyelashes briskly over big, wet, Bambi-eyes. "It's our anniversary! I think we should go ALL OUT tonight. I mean, go the limit, go for the gusto, push the envelope, feel the burn, paint the town, live on the edge, reach for the stars, pull out all the stops, pass all the goes and freakin' carpe every darn diem we've got, baby!"
All she could do was stare at me, transfixed.
I guess I've always had a gift for sweet talk.
"Yeah, darlin," I went on. "I'm a-takin' you out for a night on the town! We're gonna live large tonight, baby! First, it's fine dining, and I'm sparing no expense tonight, sweets. No Taco Don's for us - it's Wendy's all the WAY! I say we go for broke and just BIGGIE-SIZE EVERYTHING!
She was speechless.
I was goin' for it.
Extravagant evening
"But wait, as if that weren't enough to ignite the fires of passion, I'm gonna take you to a movie too! No, no - not at the dollar theater - I'm talkin' the big ol' hairy Mega-MoviePlex Cinemas, where we can catch that romantic "Scorpion King" chic-flic, and stain our pants with the REAL BUTTER on our mega bucket o' popcorn!"
Silence.
I could tell that she was moved by desire for me at that moment, 'cause she began to tremble, and tears welled up in her eyes.
I knew right then I'd scored major husband-points.
Steeling herself, she looked deep into my eyes and said, "I was thinking more on the lines of a dinner cruise on the river."
"Oh. OK."
THERE!
Agreeable husband
Did you get that, men? I AGREED with her! Even though MY idea was so way cooler, I knew when to sacrifice MY needs and wants for HERS! And I did it on our anniversary! See? Timing is everything!
So we got all dressed up in our best black, tight-fitting, romantic clothes and took the train to the city, engaging all the while in scintillating conversation with our fellow passengers - the little angst-ridden teeny-bopper gangbanger wannabes and the highly agitated paranoid-schizophrenics.
Upon arriving in the city, we walked for a couple of cool, summer evening blocks to the waterfront and boarded the luxurious cruise vessel, Portland Spirit.
This was good, 'cause now I finally knew where I and my family had just moved to ... and it explained the phenomena of "rain" that I had seen lately.
Despite the fact that Captain Steubing was nowhere to be found, we had a wonderful, romantic evening cruising up and down the winding Willamette River, supping on fine roast beast and then strolling the deck beneath the stars while the lights of the city winked on in the last rosy glow of sunset.
Sasquatch, at the piano, played the great old romantic favorites I longed to hear, such as "Afternoon Delight" and "Dancing Queen," while Lurch, behind the bar, offered us cool, summer Shirley Temples to sip. It was an evening, and an anniversary, to remember, I thought, as we stood at the prow, arms lifted into the wind, totally doin' the Titanic thing.
My wife leaned into me and said, "Thanks for biggie-sizing this evening for me, hon."
I hugged her and said, "Thanks for biggie-sizing my life," thinking, finally, this is one to write home about.
Originally published July 13, 02.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.johnpotterstudio.com.
