If you're anything like me, well, I have two things to say to you. No. 1, you probably should be seeking professional help. No. 2, you probably hate computers.
I know, I know, they're wonderful tools, they're the wave of the future, modern civilization would be lost without 'em, blah blah blah.
All I know is, my computer hates ME, so I hate IT. Oh, I try to talk nicely to it, try complimenting it out of the blue, I give it flowers for no particular reason, touch it softly in a special place - it still hates me.
Backwards approach
It's gotten to the point where I've gotta stand on my head, bend over backwards, and sprinkle magic fairy dust on the damn thing just to get it to respond to me.
And you KNOW how hard it is for us old guys to stand on our pointy little heads AND bend over backwards at the same time.
Fairy dust doesn't exactly grow on trees either.
By the way (this is what they call a "clever aside" in the newspaper business), can you imagine how different things might be if Indians had computers (not to mention fairy dust) when Europeans first hit our shores?
Those East Coast tribes could've e-mailed all the rest of us across the country and spread the news about the newcomers: "Word up, everybody. Bunch of losers showed up today, asked us if this was the 'New World' (LOL). They don't know much. We'll tell 'em that they have to bury dead fish in their gardens to make their crops grow, and then we'll sit back and see if they actually do it :)!
"They're talking about staying a while :( ... more later. Aho."
E-mail Pilgrims
Everyone knows the Pilgrims never would've survived without the Indians' help, but they're darn lucky the skins didn't have computers. If those natives were anything at all like me, they might've been so frustrated with their computers that they could've taken out their anger on the Pilgrims and snuffed 'em all. Bummer!
But, we didn't have computers, because pocket-protectors don't go with buckskin and braids.
Anyway, now that I finally have my computer up and running, just guess what I'm gonna do next!
No, I'm not gonna download anything nasty - you know me better than that!
Yep...I am going to CREATE MY OWN WEB PAGE.
Laugh if you will, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna learn all about www's (which stands for We are Woefully Webless), URL's ( U are Really a techno-Loser), and Links (other than the sausage kind, which you should bury in your garden to make your crops grow).
I'm told that creating your own Web page can be done in minutes!
Yeah, whatever.
Check with me in a week, 'cause if I'm anything like you, I hate my computer, and I'm gonna need professional help.
Originally published Sept. 8, 2001.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.johnpotterstudio.com.
