Have you ever noticed how the word "creditor" sounds EXACTLY like the word "predator?"
Coincidence? I don't think so.
And have you noticed how both words sound kinda like "non-sequitor?"
Hmmm.
Anyway, today's column comes to you directly from Uncle Johnny's "Mother Nature Strikes Back" files.
Yes, it's true, ladies and gentlemen, Mother Nature has had it up to HERE with us. She is sick and tired of always having to clean up after us, sick and tired of our constant back-talk, and totally sick and tired of "Survivor."
She's had it with our snide attitude, our lack of respect and our messy rooms.
She is one pissed-off mama, people. And like the old commercials used to say, "It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature..." (Or something like that).
Oh yeah, she has many motherly ways of getting back at you too, above and beyond the usual guilt trips and the old coming-to-live-with-you-when-you're-grown-up-and-have-a-house-of-your-own thing.
No, no ... these old revenge tactics pale in comparison to what seems to be the latest in her arsenal of Weapons of Mass Dysfunction.
At-risk grizzlies
These days, she'll throw something at you like Mormon crickets, or Teenage Angst-Ridden Grizzly Bears or something.
You think I'm just funnin' ya?
Consider this recent news item from Yellowstone National Park!
On June 1, campers at Yellowstone's Pebble Creek Campground were astonished when they witnessed a grizzly bear boldly saunter through the camping area, walk up to a nylon tent and proceed to throw himself on top of it!
The bear, a sub-adult (a teenager, that is!), crushed the tent, jumped up and down on it, and proceeded to then roll around on it and give it a quick bite or two before getting up and walking off into the trees.
No food was eaten and no persons were hurt in the incident, but the tent (unavailable for comment), has reportedly recovered well enough from its injuries to be negotiating a book deal and movie rights from its experience "Gimme Shelter: Tents and the Bears Who Love Them."
Bear biologists who rushed to the campground found nothing at the scene to indicate that the incident was gang-related, and hinted that this "was probably an at-risk teen bear looking to establish a rep among its peers by assaulting an innocent tent."
But according to park spokeswoman, Marsha Karle, this "could be the same bear who had assaulted tents LAST year. We attempted to capture him then, but he eluded us. Oh yeah, he's got a rap sheet as long as your arm all right, and we've got an APB out on him right now."
This is good, because we can't just let these at-risk teenage bears fall through the cracks.
Besides, they'd have to be really BIG cracks - and we all know that no such cracks exist in the tightly-run ships of government agencies like the Department of the Interior.
Interior 'outside'
Speaking of which, has it ever occurred to you that everything the Department of INTERIOR is responsible for is OUTSIDE? Does that make any sense?
And you know what? I think this snot-nosed little teenaged bear with the tent fetish oughtta be dealt with quickly and firmly. I think he oughtta be grounded and his privileges be taken away, or at the very least, given a "time-out" and sent to his room to think about the tents he's molested.
Typical teenager, you know what I mean? I mean, he's probably surly all the time. Probably shouts at his parents, throws things, and can't concentrate. Probably wants to be the center of attention (hence the drive-by tent mauling), then throws a tent-rum when people look at him. Probably got big feet he'll never grow into.
The problem these days is that kids are pampered and spoiled and given anything that they want! Parents avoid having to be parents by indulging kids with whatever form of gratification they want - instantly! On demand! - whether it's a satellite TV system, video games, cell phones, or, an innocent tent to molest.
And a "time-out?" Shoot! When I was a kid growin' up on the rez, a "time-out" was the amount of time you spent being unconscious after your mother cuffed you a good one upside the old brain pan for being a snot-nosed little teenager!
Oh yeah, you came off with an attitude, or a lack of respect or had a messy room or a mouthful of back-talk - she'd open up a can of the cave bear on ya.
So if Mother Nature's nature is anything like MY mother's nature, we'd best be mindin' ourselves and being properly respectful when we're out there in the interior. You don't want some at-risk teenage angst-ridden creditor jumping up and down on you and biting your nylons.
Originally published June 28, 2003.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.johnpotterstudio.com.
