The older I get, the more Grinch-like I'm becoming - especially when it comes to noise.
Noise, NOISE, NOISE.
I just can't stand the noise anymore.
So, let me pause for a moment from beating my blumbloopers in celebration of Native American Heritage Month, and address the issue of noise. After all, in recent government tests conducted on random, unsuspecting citizens of Whoville, scientists found that, oh, pretty close to a large percentage of people can hear noise.
Speaking of Native American Heritage Month, you can practically hear the noise of nonstop, celebratory glee coming from every corner of Indian country, complete with parades, floats and huge gas-filled balloons of cartoon characters like Dumbo and George W. Bush floating gracefully down the main streets of reservation towns, streets lined festively with unemployed onlookers in front of empty, boarded-up businesses.
More noise from the res: "Hey you guys, let's go nuts for Native American Heritage Month! Let's get some of that VELVEETA instead of having the same old commodity cheese-food-spackle-product! Oh ... wait ... the Republicans own the world now ... we don't have any money for Velveeta. Nevermind!"
Cheese and whine
Speaking of cheese product, during the past month I've gotten a lot of email from noisy little readers who want to offer me a wedge of cheddar to have with my whine.
It seems that whenever I complain about the treatment that Indians have suffered, and continue to suffer, over the past 500 years of European conquest and domination of this country, they tell me it was "meant to happen." God ordained it. It's old business. Quit yer whinin'. Get over it.
Move on.
OK, I will. I'll just turn the other big, dimpled cheek.
Oh, the noise, NOISE, NOISE!
Anyway, those same government tests also indicated that there are some noises that are good and some that are, well, pointless and obnoxious.
Examples:
Open, thought-provoking, honest dialogue: GOOD noise.
Email from narrow-minded people: pointless and obnoxious.
Metallica: GOOD noise.
Eminem: pointless and obnoxious.
All of Whoville singing "Dahoo Door-ayes": GOOD noise.
Silence: BETTER.
And speaking of foul noises, I'm reminded of some of the noise coming from D.C. these days. It began on or about the fifth of the month, when I felt a great pain in my chest, and I thought, "Yikes. There's been a great disturbance in the Who-Force, as if millions of Who-votes painfully cried out 'We've been lost!,' and then were suddenly silenced."
Political rumblings
But the worst noise I'm hearing now is that Yellowstone National Park will soon be a lot noisier. I see that the Bush administration is expected to reverse Clinton's ban on snowmobiles in the park. Not only that, but it supports a plan which would allow 35 percent MORE of the stinking, noisy machines into America's signature park.
Looks like it's back to "business as usual" in Yellowstone. This notion brings the noise level between my ears to a deafening crescendo.
It's no secret that I hate snowmobiles, hate 'em even more than I do those four-wheel ATVs that rip up the countryside, but aren't there enough thousands of square miles of national forests (designated for multiple use) that you snowmobilers could desecrate, instead of the fragile beauty of Yellowstone?
Aren't there enough winter-weakened wildlife in THESE forests for you to stress out? Do we need yet another reason to force the buffalo out of the park and into the eager sights of the Montana Department of Livestock?
Oh, the noise!
The noise of environmental concerns being flushed down the Who-toilet in exchange for the noise of more coins jingling in the pockets of the mighty Who-few.
Yellowstone - its air, its land, its wildlife and its rangers deserve better than the noise of "business as usual."
Those Whos in D.C. may "blow their floofloobers and bang their kartinkers," but what they really need is a swift kick in the gardinkers. Oh the noise!
And what Yellowstone really needs is the best noise of all: silence.
Originally published Nov. 16, 2002.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.johnpotterstudio.com.
