Yesterday I had to go ... out.
This is a problem for me, because going ... out ... invariably means that I have to leave the house.
Now, I love to get out of the house, don't get me wrong - I love the outdoors, the fresh air, the vast prairies, all the amber waves of grain and the purple mountains' majesty and, whatever.
Unfortunately, whenever I go ... out ... I inevitably end up having to deal with ... people.
People are becoming an increasing problem with me - because they are more irritating and more annoying and more obnoxious than ever. I've never been much of a social animal anyway, but, the older I get, the more it seems that people are just going out of their way to CHAP MY HIDE.
Mainly, they're going out of their way just to GET IN MY WAY.
Now, I don't DISlike people. Well, not ALL people, I mean. Just the ones that drive. Specifically, the ones that just HAVE to get out there and drive when I'm driving.
Idiot silent alarm
It's as if some kind of silent alarm goes off in the heads of every idiot with a driver's license - kind of like a dog whistle only idiots can hear - at the very moment that I go out and get in my car:
"ALERT! ALERT! All idiots! Potter on the move! Scramble! Get in your vehicles immediately, and adhere to the prescribed driving behavior guidelines which totally CHAP HIS HIDE!"
These driving behaviors include, but are not limited to:
1. Not moving when the light turns green.
What are you waiting for? Permission to proceed? 'Cause I'll give it to you. Just look in your rearview mirror. Are you waiting for the light to get greener? Well, it's not going to, so move and get outta my way.
2. Driving just to be "seen."
You know the type. They're out there in their jacked-up pickups with the tires big enough for a coal truck. They're in their Saabs and their Beemers, they're in their chrome-wheeled low-riders with booming stereo systems. Big deal. I see ya. You're just too cool for me. Now get outta my way.
3. Sandwich drivers.
It never fails. I always get double-teamed by these knuckleheads. The driver in front of me goes down the street at precisely 10 mph below the posted limit, while the guy behind me drives up my tailpipe as if it's MY fault we're goin' so slow. Both of you - get outta my way.
4. And, last but by no means least, the holier-than-thou cell phone driver.
We all know this guy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: for the love of God, HANG UP AND DRIVE. Better yet, hang up and get outta my way. I have seen more gross driving misconduct, not to mention just plain dangerous driving, by these wise guys and gals than by almost anyone else on the road. Are you THAT important that you just gotta reach out and touch someone while you're driving? Hey, if you're that important, you should be able to HIRE someone to do your driving for you - someone who can devote a better portion of their gray matter to the task at hand (driving, that is).
Impaired turn signals
There are others, of course, such as those who think that their compact car is an 18-wheeler, and insist on swerving wide left to turn right, or vice-versa. And of course there are those who are just too weak, or lazy, to successfully manage a turn signal lever. Or how 'bout the ones who are in such a huge hurry to pull out in front of me, just so they can then drive down the street at about 40 mph below the speed limit.
Listen, I know that Christmas is all about peace on Earth and good will toward retailers, but people - drivers - are not helping me with my Christmas spirit at all. All they're doing is seriously roasting my chestnuts.
And speaking of Christmas, I'm beginning to understand Santa Claus more and more all the time - lives far away from large population centers, has a bunch of little imaginary friends that do whatever he says, only ventures out once a year. I can dig it.
And I can definitely see why he uses that sleigh.
Originally published Dec. 8, 2001.
Copyright © The Billings Gazette, a division of Lee Enterprises.
John Potter, an Ojibwe from Wisconsin, is a gifted artist, illustrator and writer. After more than 20 years as an editorial artist and columnist with the Billings Gazette (Billings, Mont.), he now spends his full time and energy on his oils, painting the landscapes of the West that he loves the most. His work can be seen online at www.johnpotterstudio.com.
